Paper short abstract:

This paper analyzes LGBTQ reproductive loss (miscarriage and failed adoptions) as sites of potential “de-kinning” through the apparent failure to achieve successful family formation, yet also a space of imagining new kinships and relationships through personal and communal memorialization.

Paper long abstract:

LGBTQ communities have a long history of memorializing community losses—the AIDS memorial quilt, Transgender Day of Remembrance. Yet the kinships created (and lost) through experiences of miscarriage, infant death, and failed adoptions often remain a silent burden for LGBTQ families, frequently intensified by fears of homophobia and heterosexism. Further, the recent public preoccupation with "progressive" gay family formation—through utopian narratives of steady progress (achieving financial stability, marrying legally, becoming parents, et cetera)—eclipses the challenges LGBTQ parents face in establishing and gaining recognition as families. Thus, when they face reproductive loss, an apparent failure to achieve this goal, their experiences of defeat are frequently amplified. Are they de-kinned in this moment of loss, as Fonesca (2011) argues that birthmothers are de-kinned through the process of adoption? Or does the history of alternative family-making in LGBTQ communities encourage new kinds of "kinning" and incorporation of these experiences? Based on interviews with 50 LGBTQ parents, from the United States, Canada, Belgium, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, New Zealand and Scotland, this paper analyzes queer reproductive loss as a site of potential "de-kinning" through the apparent failure to achieve successful family formation, yet also a space of imagining new kinships and relationships through personal and communal memorialization. Through an examination of personal stories and photographs shared by participants, this paper demonstrates how grieving LGBTQ parents use physical memorials, religious/spiritual services, and the increasingly popular use of commemorative tattoos and art as strategies to "mark" their experiences of kinship and community.