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Paper short abstract

Focusing on the lives and perspectives of aromantic and asexual people, this contribution asks how we can reevaluate concepts of failure and stagnation by critically examining normative markers of successful relationships.

Paper long abstract

Asexual and aromantic perspectives on intimate relationships require a reevaluation of concepts of failure and stagnation.

The perpetual single, the hapless virgin, “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” – In everyday culture, those who do not participate in romantic and sexual relationships are frequently framed as failures, pathologized, and infantilized.

However, for many people belonging to the aromantic and asexual spectrums normative milestones of a good, successful life – the first sexual encounter, moving in with a romantic partner, getting married – can assume a different value. An Aro/Ace person may never feel a desire to have sex or to have a romantic partnership. But regardless of how (un)attractive a romantic or sexual relationship may be to an Aro/Ace person, they are held to an allo- and amatonormative standard which equates deviation with failure.

This contribution asks how aromantic and asexual people imagine a good life for themselves, and how these dreams might be read as stagnation, immaturity or failure. Which goals do they pursue, which markers of success do they value? Which standards do they reject? I will present findings from my ethnographic doctoral research (currently WIP) in which I interview Aro/Ace people on their views of amatonormative society. My perspective is informed by Lauren Berlant’s “Cruel Optimism” and Jack Halberstam’s “The Queer Art of Failure”, among others.